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Cupcake Confession

5 Jan

Disclaimer: Things are about to get personal.  And a little off topic.  I just need a moment to think (type?) out loud, and, in the process, explain my recent blogging inactivity.  Big ol’ venting session heading your way!  We will return to our usual cupcake reviewing program momentarily…I think.

Words to live by?

Cupcake Crusade is my happy place.  In a world full of stressors and pressures, this blog became my little bubble.  My little sugar bubble.  And when my full-time job situation found itself on shaky ground, arming myself with the mission to find THE best cupcake in the country gave me a renewed sense of purpose.  It was all in good fun, but I was passionate about it.  And, isn’t that what we always hear? – do what you love/makes you happy.  This was it!  I LOVE sugar!  I LOVE cupcakes!  I love roaming, wandering, exploring, and discovering a new cupcakery.  I love checking out out their decor, flavor combinations, packaging products, their mission statements and learning how they got their start.  And that first bite…!  Once Cupcake Crusade was up and running, pipe dreams of turning this into something more than a blog surfaced.  After years and years of uncertainty, maybe, just maybe, THIS could be what I was meant to do.  I just needed to stick with it, keep pouring my heart into it, enjoy the ride and see where it takes me!  Yet, here’s the kicker – I’m fructose intolerant.  (Oh, how it pains me to even type that.)

After a long year of illness, losing weight, no appetite, fatigue, anxiety, depression, and many many many tests, a wise doctor ordered a breath test that deemed me  fructose intolerant.  That was five years ago, and I gotta be honest, I’ve been floating down the river of denial ever since.  I just couldn’t accept it, I love sugar too much and could not (in any way, shape, or form) imagine removing sugar from my diet.  From my life?!  Just not possible!  Like telling a fish it’s allergic to water.  Maybe that’s all little extreme, but it’s kinda how I felt.  Especially since fructose is in a lot of stuff!  Now, I didn’t ignore this diagnosis completely.  I made some changes to my diet, ones that didn’t make me cry at night.  I cut out sodas and everything that had high-fructose corn syrup (sometimes I really do miss a cold Coke though).  I reduced my daily sugar intake, and would try to eat any sugary treat on a full stomach.  I switched from regular milk to almond milk.  I cut out fruit juices and some fruits (this is when things started getting harder), like apples, grapes, pears, and OJ. (I still miss fruit leather!)  Some fruits can be tolerated like bananas and some berries, but it’s all trial-and-error.  I still have so much to learn.  I don’t feel like a completely different person, but I do feel better.  Much better.  I’m not getting sick nearly as much, I gained weight and my appetite.  But as this blog will reveal, I still eat mucho sugar.  And my body is still fighting me over it.

Like many, I rang in the new year with hopes of restoring health.  I reeeeeally want to get my diet on track.  Because, even though I feel better than I did five years ago, I’m still struggling with lack of energy, mood swings, and even moodier skin (ugh!).  Since I feel like I’ve tried everything else, searched high and low for ANY other solution, I’m now (slowly, reluctantly, and a little sadly) ready to sit down with this fructose intolerance thing and look it in the eyes.  So this is where my inner struggle lies ~ I LOVE sugar.  But my body does not.  I LOVE my quest to find the perfect cupcake and blogging about the journey makes my heart happy.  But my body pushes back.   And that makes me sad.  What’s a sugar sensitive, cupcake-lover to do?

My dad suggested a spittoon.  Any other ideas?

Thanks so much for hearing me out!