Cupcake Confession

5 Jan

Disclaimer: Things are about to get personal.  And a little off topic.  I just need a moment to think (type?) out loud, and, in the process, explain my recent blogging inactivity.  Big ol’ venting session heading your way!  We will return to our usual cupcake reviewing program momentarily…I think.

Words to live by?

Cupcake Crusade is my happy place.  In a world full of stressors and pressures, this blog became my little bubble.  My little sugar bubble.  And when my full-time job situation found itself on shaky ground, arming myself with the mission to find THE best cupcake in the country gave me a renewed sense of purpose.  It was all in good fun, but I was passionate about it.  And, isn’t that what we always hear? – do what you love/makes you happy.  This was it!  I LOVE sugar!  I LOVE cupcakes!  I love roaming, wandering, exploring, and discovering a new cupcakery.  I love checking out out their decor, flavor combinations, packaging products, their mission statements and learning how they got their start.  And that first bite…so.much.fun!  Once Cupcake Crusade was up and running, pipe dreams of turning this into something more than a blog surfaced.  After years and years of uncertainty, maybe, just maybe, THIS could be what I was meant to do.  I just needed to stick with it, keep pouring my heart into it, enjoy the ride and see where it takes me!  Yet, here’s the kicker – I’m fructose intolerant.  (Oh, how it pains me to even type that.)

After a long year of illness, losing weight, no appetite, fatigue, anxiety, depression, and many many many tests, a wise doctor ordered a breath test that deemed me  fructose intolerant.  That was five years ago, and I gotta be honest, I’ve been floating down the river of denial ever since.  I just couldn’t accept it, I love sugar too much and could not (in any way, shape, or form) imagine removing sugar from my diet.  From my life?!  Just not possible!  Like telling a fish it’s allergic to water.  Maybe that’s all little extreme, but it’s kinda how I felt.  Especially since fructose is in a lot of stuff!  Now, I didn’t ignore this diagnosis completely.  I made some changes to my diet, ones that didn’t make me cry at night.  I cut out sodas and everything that had high-fructose corn syrup (sometimes I really do miss a cold Coke though).  I reduced my daily sugar intake, and would try to eat any sugary treat on a full stomach.  I switched from regular milk to almond milk.  I cut out fruit juices and some fruits (this is when things started getting harder), like apples, grapes, pears, and OJ. (I still miss fruit leather!)  Some fruits can be tolerated like bananas and some berries, but it’s all trial-and-error.  I still have so much to learn.  I don’t feel like a completely different person, but I do feel better.  Much better.  I’m not getting sick nearly as much, I gained weight and my appetite.  But as this blog will reveal, I still eat mucho sugar.  And my body is still fighting me over it.

Like many, I rang in the new year with hopes of restoring health.  I reeeeeally want to get my diet on track.  Because, even though I feel better than I did five years ago, I’m still struggling with lack of energy, mood swings, and even moodier skin (ugh!).  Since I feel like I’ve tried everything else, searched high and low for ANY other solution, I’m now (slowly, reluctantly, and a little sadly) ready to sit down with this fructose intolerance thing and look it in the eyes.  So this is where my inner struggle lies ~ I LOVE sugar.  But my body does not.  I LOVE my quest to find the perfect cupcake and blogging about the journey makes my heart happy.  But my body pushes back.   And that makes me sad.  What’s a sugar sensitive, cupcake-lover to do?

My dad suggested a spittoon.  Any other ideas?

Thanks so much for hearing me out!

10 Responses to “Cupcake Confession”

  1. Kibbie January 5, 2012 at 9:35 pm #

    Wow! I can’t even imagine being faced with the reality of giving up something I love for my health. I am so VERY impressed with all the changes you’ve been able to make so far. BRAVA! I am assuming you have already cut back the number of times you give in to your love of cupcakes to a mere trickle, so the immediate solution I thought of (making it a once a month, once a quarter, once a ) has probably already been tried. I am not sure what else to suggest other than to say I have truly enjoyed following you on your adventure and if you choose to start blogging about what a ‘recovering cupcake lover’ does in her search for mental and physical happiness, I would love to keep on following you.

    • jnbean January 6, 2012 at 1:06 am #

      Thank you so much for your comment, Kibbie. Your message made me really glad I opened up about this, and filled me with encouragement!

  2. bellaarchitect January 5, 2012 at 10:39 pm #

    :-( I am sorry that you have to give up so much in order to be healthier and happier. But, I know you, and I know you can do it. Whatever you need, whatever I can do, let me know! Love you Jeanne!

    • jnbean January 6, 2012 at 12:44 am #

      Thank you so much! You’re such an awesome friend! How’d I get so lucky?!

  3. skpadilla January 5, 2012 at 11:29 pm #

    Disappointing, and yes, heartbreaking news on some level. It’s those small pleasures in life that can bring one such joy! I hope you are able to find some ways in which to transition away from sugar – perhaps exploring interesting and delicious sugar alternatives? Wishing you health and energy this New Year.

    • jnbean January 6, 2012 at 12:59 am #

      Thank you understanding & the support! I’m hopeful for what this new year will bring. I wish you a fantastic 2012! Keep up the beautiful writing, it’s really inspiring!

  4. Jenn H January 6, 2012 at 12:35 am #

    I can’t even imagine being in your situation. The closest I’ve come was during my first trimester of pregnancy, I couldn’t eat anything sweet. The mere thought sent me running for the closest bing, sink, etc. But, I knew there was an end in sight for that. I do recall being very upset with my body for not enjoying something that had brought me so much happiness.

    I’m a very new follower, but would continue to follow you in your newest crusade.

    My sister, friend, and I do a lot of sharing, just to help our waistlines. Can you get others to help your cupcake exploration, by indulging in just a bite and letting others have the rest?

    What about sugar-free options? Do gluten free cupcakes have fructose in them? It’s definitely worth looking into what your options are and maybe start baking your own, healthier treats.

    • jnbean January 11, 2012 at 10:43 pm #

      Thank you for reading Jenn, and for your great ideas! I really like the idea of getting friends/family to help out (I imagine it wouldn’t be too hard to recruit :)!). And I think getting in the kitchen myself and experimenting with recipes could end up being good therapy.
      Thanks again for following! Wishing you the very best!

  5. Carla January 6, 2012 at 3:45 pm #

    Awwwww, so sorry to hear your predicament. But I completely understand helath first. I do look forward to reading your quests for the latest and greatest cupcake finds. I like your dad’s idea of the spitton.
    Take care of you!

    • jnbean January 7, 2012 at 12:47 am #

      Thank you so much, Carla! For reading and for your support! Wishing you health & happiness in 2012!

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